One Packed-Full Post!

What a busy time of year! Just to prove it, I have lots of pictures and stories to share about all that has kept me busy enough to neglect our blog. You'll have to scroll down, I have a story that has to be shared first.

Among all the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season, it is so easy to get caught up and not focus on the true meaning of Christmas. Jesus, the greatest gift of all. How thankful I am for Jesus! I am so thankful for the hope that I have because of him!

This past Sunday was the first time I have been to church since July. Keeping Audrey at home until she has gotten stronger and received a few Synagis shots has been the priority. Since we have a few of those shots out of the way, I felt it was time to take her to church. I love our church and I especially love being at church during Christmas! If I had any reservations at all whether or not I should've taken Audrey out in the blustery cold weather they were answered within five minutes of stepping into the church building. We were greeted and Audrey was immediately the center of attention (such a proud mommy moment). When a lady commented on how small she was I explained that she only weighed 2 lbs. 14 1/2 oz when she was born. Since she is now over 12 lbs she seems rather big to me. As I hung up my coat an older lady approached me and asked if she heard correctly what Audrey weighed. She explained that she was born during the Great Depression and weighed the same as Audrey. She then furthered her story by explaining that she had an identical twin sister that weighed a little over one pound that did not survive due to heart complications. What are the chances? Thank you, God, for this reminder that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I smiled and shared that Audrey had an identical twin sister, too. I really wanted to give her the biggest hug! We spoke for a few more minutes, there were so many questions I had for her. She did answer one without my asking. It was heartwrenching to hear her say, to this day when she sees twins she wonders what her life would've been like with her sister here. Confirmation that it is normal to wonder everyday what life would be like with both, Audrey and Olivia here.

There was more for me during the service. You know those services, the ones that make you feel like it's just you and the preacher having a one-sided, heart-to-heart. One-sided because you don't need to speak, he knows exactly whats on your heart and what you need to hear. I just have to share a little bit from the service. The title: When a Baby Reigns as King-Discover the Life You've Always Wanted (Isaiah 9:6-7). Our notes from the sermon warm my heart as I read them again now. "A baby always attracts attention - any time, anywhere...all babies deserve love and attention, but no baby deserves more attention than the One born in a barn over 2,000 years ago. Discover four reasons why this baby provides the life God designed us to experience." This sermon is exactly what I needed, the four reasons are as follows:

1. When I am confused, He offers his plan. Jesus is our "Wonderful Counselor" and He makes the plans. "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
2. When I am weak, He offers his power. Jesus is our "Mighty God" and He makes the plans work.
3. When I am alone, He offers His presence. Jesus is our "Everlasting Father" forever.
4. When I am disturbed, He offers His peace. Jesus is the "Prince of Peace." "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take Heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Wow, talk about knowing exactly what someone needs! I was right where I was intended to be on Sunday morning. As we head into Christmas it is important to remember Isaiah 9:6-7. "For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end." I am so thankful for the Hope and Peace we have been given!

Troyer Tales to Share:

We kicked off this month by attending The Nutcracker in Wooster. Mom got tickets for the three of us to go knowing that Dawson is a big fan of Tchaikovsky. Funny story, we were waiting for the ballet to start and Dawson asked if Tchaikovsky was there (he, he, he). I told him he had been there, given the music and had been gone for a long time. Best explanation I could give him before the show started. I was quite impressed with the fact that Dawson lasted through the entire show and didn't get ancy until the last fifteen minutes.

Mommy, Dawson & Nina ready for The Nutcracker

Dawson enjoying his gift from Nina, how fitting!

Ok, so it's really late and I gotta catch some zzzz's before Audrey wakes up for her first late night, early morning feeding! More to come...

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Jenn

A Visitor in the Troyer Home

Sammy ~ our friendly scout elf

I have to thank Angie, from Bring the Rain for this wonderful new guest we have in our home. Dawson is just elated to have Sammy, our Christmas elf, joining us this year. If you have never heard of the "Elf on the Shelf" you have to check this out, especially if you have young children.

Sammy showed up in our mailbox and Dawson hasn't been the same since! I honestly don't know who has been more excited about this, Dawson or myself. I could hardly wait to read the book to Dawson after getting our scout elf all nestled in his stocking. I read the "The Elf on the Shelf" book to Dawson and we talked about this new visitor that was in our home. Dawson's first task was to name his elf. Dawson is obsessed with the name Sammy, hence the name of our former dog and our scout elf. The book basically explains how Santa knows if you have been naughty or nice. He simply sends out scout elves to watch over children. The elves then report back to Santa at night when the kids are sleeping. In the morning, Sammy finds a new place to watch the kids from for that day. Dawson loves searching for Sammy in the morning and is quick to grab the book if he can't find him. It doesn't say that you have to do this, Dawson just believes that if he hears the story he will be able to locate him :) A few rules of Sammy's...he can't talk, per Santa's law and he can't be touched or he will lose his Christmas magic that allows him to fly back to the North Pole each night.

I'm telling you, it is just adorable to see Dawson with this elf. The first day, I was baking cookies in the kitchen and Dawson was talking to Sammy. I heard him say, "Sammy, make sure you tell Santa that I'm going to make him cookies tomorrow. And, Sammy, I'm going to be really, really good." So sweet! Now, of course Dawson never fails to tell Sammy each time Lane does something that would be disapproving in Santa's eyes. Oh, brothers...so funny.

So, I am just so happy to have found a new Christmas tradition! I just had to share it with you. One more to add to the list. The more you have the better, so we've started quite a few in our family. I love the traditions my family has had since I was a child. I think I may have been a freshman in college when I finally stopped making my name tags for Santa. Really, I know, it's sad. My mom used to give us cut-outs from paper bags that we had to write our names on. I can remember it like it was yesterday, she used those giant zigzag shears that were silver with black handles. You see, I get procrastination (is that a word) from my mom. Her tradition was to wait until the last minute to wrap Christmas gifts. When I say last minute, I mean Christmas Eve between the Smith Christmas ending at approximately 9:00 pm until we went to Christmas Eve Services at 11:00 pm. She really counted on my aunts to help get all the work done, cracks me up just thinking about how they must have been rushing to get things done. Funny, we never really questioned why we weren't allowed downstairs on Christmas Eve with all the "big people". So, while all the adults were downstairs wrapping gifts, all of the children were upstairs making our name tags for Santa. As the oldest, I always made sure that everyone was working to get them done. You know, surely the more name tags you had the more gifts you were going to get. Oh, the good 'ol days.

As much as I love all these traditions, it is most important to us that our children know the true meaning of Christmas: Jesus, the greatest gift of all. I struggle with teaching this to a four year old and would welcome any parental advice in this area. I feel like I'm always reminding him "why do we have Christmas? Whose birthday is it?" The great thing, he always knows the answer.

More to come in the next few days. There's so much happening at the Troyer Household during this busy time of year. I'll be sharing pictures of our trip to see "The Nutcracker" and ofcourse, I have some too-cute, kid quotes to share!

Hugs to each of you!

Jenn

For Audrey and Olivia

Just some photos to share from December 7, TTTS Awareness Day. We lit candles for Audrey at 5:10 and Olivia at 5:15. These candles are not just for my girls. They are for each set of twins that has to go through the trials of TTTS and for the mother that carries them. They are for the sisters and brothers that are often left in the care of others while their Mommy and Daddy are doing whats best for their twins. They are for every lady that I have meant through the TTTS website, you each have a special place in my heart.

The single candle lit is for Audrey, our recipient and survivor. How blessed we are to have her!

Our second candle lit was for Olivia, our donor and angel. I miss you everyday.

Audrey-my amazing, wonderful miracle from God.

Olivia-my daughter that I will always miss and wonder what life would've been like with you here. I know you are safe in His hands and one day I will hold you in mine.

Canon Rebel Raffle - "Rebel For A Cause"

It's not very often that I post twice a week, but I have to tell you about another great cause! Please don't miss the post after this one regarding International TTTS Awareness Month!

So, you gotta check this out! What a raffle...I'm talkin' huge, gotta give it a shot raffle! For all of you photography fans that love to catch your family in pictures...this ones for you! MckMama, mother of 4 little ones, started this raffle to raise money for 3 different charities: String of Pearls, No Hands but Ours, and the Elison Project. You can learn all about these organization through MckMama's Blog, My Charming Kids. All you have to do is buy a raffle ticket for $10 a piece, the more you buy, the more chances you have to win! Each one you purchase will enter you in the Rebel For a Cause Raffle to win a 12.2 megapixel Canon Rebel XSi with 2 lenses, a high speed memory card, camera carrying case, custom made camera strap, 16x20 canvas print of a photo of yours, AND a blog makeover (if you have one of course). Don't miss out on this great opportunity to win great prizes and even more importantly the opportunity to benefit 3 great organizations! Good Luck!

Close to my heart...

I often think about the ladies walking into the Cincinnatti Fetal Care Center, I'm sure there are at least 2 there today. I pray for these ladies on a regular basis, pray that God will be with them as they get through such a difficult journey. My heart breaks for these ladies, just as it breaks for the lives inside them. I know they will soon hear the fate of their identical twins. Is surgery a possibility? Will they survive? Will they get to bring one baby home? Is it already too late and nothing can be done?

The day we walked into CFCC was one of the most difficult days in my life. A day that I was full of hope, but honestly scared to death. It was the beginning of an extremely painful and heartbreaking journey. I look at Audrey laying on the floor beside me and my heart breaks. It breaks because I love her so much and it breaks because I wish so bad that we would've been one of the families that got to bring home two healthy babies...Audrey and Olivia.

If you're reading my blog you probably know the story of Audrey and Olivia . This Sunday, December 7, is World TTTS Awareness Day and December is International TTTS awareness month. I will be donating to the TTTS Foundation every year on dates that will always be close to my heart. Please, if you are considering making a donation this time of year think about donating to the TTTS Foundation. Your generosity will enable this organization to continue their mission to help families try to save their babies and bring comfort to those experiencing devastating losses, special needs, and NICU struggles. All babies deserve a chance.

I feel very fortunate to have received the care that I did, my doctors who new they couldn't help me sent me to someone they thought could. Not all medical professionals do this. The TTTS foundation is an organization that is making a difference in the medical profession. They are getting crucial information regarding TTTS to medical professionals all over the world.

The TTTS Foundation website has a message board that has been a blessing to me throughout our journey. I had the support of other mothers who had been there and who were in the same position as me when my girls were diagnosed with TTTS. The ladies I have met on this board are still a part of my life. I receive so much support on the Bereavement-Loss of Your Twin Message Board. It is specifically for parents who have experienced twin to twin transfusion syndrome resulting in the loss of one of their twins or triplets. This board was created to comfort and help parents who know the pulling and tugging of your sorrow and joy. It is hard to explain the feelings associated with this disease. Truly only those who have been through it and have had the same outcome can understand the pain and joy that comes with it.

I am so thankful for this organization and for Mary Slaman-Forsythe the Founder and President. Please take the time to click on the link at the top of my site and check out what this organization is doing to save babies and the dreams of their mothers.

Love,
Jenn

It's Perfect.

I got the call on Friday. Actually, I got the message on Friday night. It was already dark, of course. How did I miss the call? My phone never rang. Olivia's headstone is done and it's set. Oh, that sinking feeling. I could not wait to see it, yet I could. I miss her and it hurts. I thought this was supposed to get easier? You know, I think I'm learning to deal with the pain. I think that's all I can do. I look at Audrey and I see Olivia, I see her right there beside her. When I'm holding her, when she's laying on her blanket, when I'm changing a diaper, when I'm feeding her...I see Olivia. When she smiles I wonder if Olivia's smile would have looked like that. I belong to a club that I don't want to belong to, yet it wasn't my choice. I didn't sign-up for this. I want out, yet I can't leave the group.


The phone call with the news of Olivia's headstone was just the start to the night. I was on my way to get some Christmas shopping done, Kevin was keeping the kids so I could have some time. Time to do shopping wasn't really the reason. Life is busy at home and those car rides are my time. Time that I need to heal. Time that I need to understand what to do with all that has happened, there has to be more. I can't lose my little girl and say that's it, that's what happened, that's just how it's supposed to be. There's more...I just need to find it. God, show me. Tell me what I'm supposed to do with this, with this pain, this ache that is deep inside.

If you know me at all, you know that I am a bargain shopper and a coupon clipper. My first stop that night was K-Mart to pick up a prescription for Dawson. I don't usually get my prescriptions filled there, but I had a coupon for a $10.00 gift card if you got a prescription-I'm in. The prescription was for chewable tablets from the dentist, I didn't realize they were hard to come by. I talked to the pharmacist and showed her my coupon...wouldn't you know, they were out. Not only were they out and I didn't get my $10.00 gift card, she proceeded to tell me "I know we're out because we had forty left and a mother of twins came in and we had to split them 20 and 20." God...why? Why? Does this happen to anyone else? What pharmacist actually tells you who got the last amount of the prescription you needed filled?


Aching and dejected, I left Kmart for Kohls...yes, more coupons to be used. Wouldn't you know, I about got ran over by a mother, a double stroller, and identical twin boys. Why? I was warned about this. It was all over the TTTS message boards and the Twinstuff Bereavement site (I hate clicking on that link). The hyper-awareness of twins. It hurts and although I will never in my life need a reminder of Olivia, that is exactly what it does. It keeps her fresh, never fading from my thoughts. I guess instead of hurting, I should consider these incidents gifts.


You can guess where I was Saturday morning, kids in tow. Some day they will understand and we will share Olivia's story. Today was my day, it was rainy and cold...I don't think it could have been more appropriate. I think back to the day of her service. Still regretting that I didn't spend more time with her, there would never have been enough. I want to hold her, sing to her, feed her, see her eyes meet mine, and watch her smile just as much today as I wanted to then. It doesn't get easier.

I want to share a photo of Olivia's headstone...It's perfect.

Love,

Jenn

Happy Halloween!

Audrey's 1st Halloween!
When you're just 3 1/2 months old your first Halloween doesn't mean much. Audrey has spent the day doing what she usually does...eating and sleeping. Oh, and my new personal favorite...really focusing on me as I talk to her! I love how she looks up at me like she knows exactly what I'm saying to her and how much love is in my heart for her. Wouldn't it be great if we all focused on what someone is saying as much as newborns do? So, back to what I was saying...Your first Halloween doesn't mean much unless your mommy tries to dress you up as a...
cute little leopard

So, she didn't really like the outfit. It was just too cute and my mom and sister bought it for her. I would've felt bad not putting it on her for at least enough time to snap some pictures. So, I guess its a good thing that 3 1/2 month olds don't really remember their first Halloween.



Dawson & Lane-Pumpkin Cart
This is honestly the best picture I could get of my boys together. Lane wouldn't sit still and Dawson was still needing shade...you'll understand that in a minute. So much drama at our home! We had a fireman, a racecar driver, a cute little leopard and I'm sure an angel among them.




Fire Chief Dawson
Interesting background, right. You're probably wondering why Dawson is standing in front of our air conditioning unit instead of a cute Fall display. You know, the traditional pumpkins and cornstalks. Not today, Mr. Drama wouldn't have it. Have I ever told you how much Dawson acts like my sister? If I didn't give this child life, I would swear he belonged to Kendra. He's standing there because "the sun is too bright." But look, finally a smile! Oh, I love him, but that drama could go anyday. Dawson had a big day yesterday with his pre-school fall party and trick-or-treating with The Stanley Boys. He collected a ton of candy at both of these events, let's just say our dentist doesn't have to worry about job security. I have to admit, he's done really well savoring his candy. I think he's had about 3 pieces of his stash, it's his Daddy that can't seem to stay out of it :).

Future Racer!

I just love this picture of Lane. He reminds me of how serious my Dad and Lee look walking through the pits at the races...all business. Ok, well Lee's not always like that :) Lane is always moving and constantly into something. Not much luck of a still shot of him. He is at that fun age of exploration. He was so excited to go outside, he was a man on a mission. Forget taking his picture. He loves being outside...freedom to run and yell! I'm looking forward to next year when I can take this little guy trick-or-treating, I'm sure he felt like he got the raw end of the deal staying in with me and Audrey for the night.


Although everyone looks content (except leopard Audrey) in the pictures above we have all battled bad colds this week. Lane was the first to get it and we've all had a piece of it since then. He's been a tough little guy, as he has definitely had the worst of it. I have worried constantly about Audrey, she sleeps on my chest at night so she can breathe better. Her doctor keeps reassuring me that RSV season is not hear yet, she's just suffering through a cold. It's so different with a preemie, sometimes I feel like I've never been a mom before.

Hopefully this post finds you and your family happy and healthy! Have a great Halloween!

Love,
Jenn

Watch Us Grow!

Proud Big Brother

I have had sincere intentions to update our blog weekly. Who says stay-at-home moms don't work? This is a job. I love every minute of it! Yes, even those multiple minutes that turn into hours of no sleep. It's during these sleepless nights that I remember what gifts I have been given and how much I would love to have two babies wailing for their Mommy.

The title of this post "Watch Us Grow," is unveiling the new direction for our blog. In memory of Olivia Faith, our blog will become a family blog. I honestly don't want to see it end. My blog is a comfort zone for me; a place to share stories, photos, memories and dreams. I have really enjoyed being able to stay connected to family and friends throughout our pregnancy and the birth of our girls. So, I will continue to the best of my abilities :)

An update on our family:

Audrey

It's hard to believe Audrey has been home from the Aultman NICU for over a month already. Time sure does fly. At Audrey's last weekly weight check on Monday she weighed 9 lbs! Unreal. She looks like a newborn now and even has a double chin! Not to mention those cheeks! She is not really adjusted to a schedule yet, as a matter of fact, I think she did better in the NICU than she is for me as far as that goes. We have had a few good nights here and there. She wouldn't be my child if she was a good sleeper. Kevin and I have come to the conclusion that we don't create sleepers. In the middle of the night, when I'm exhausted and she continues to cry instead of going back to sleep...I can't help but think how I'd love for Olivia to be right beside her. I truly believe that Audrey is God's gift to us to remind us how precious life is. Oh, what a gift.

Lane

Oh my goodness, where should I start? This little guy keeps me hoppin'. Lane is now 17 months old and into everything. Everything, constantly. No kidding. For example, we have recently had to replace all the toothbrushes in our home. Why, you ask? Well, when I was feeding Audrey, Lane was quiet. Not a good sign. I even had visitors at the house. When my long-time friend, Jamie, found him, he was in our guest bathroom with Dawson's toothbrush in his mouth. I instantly thought, "yuck". I knew Dawson would flip if he saw Lane with his toothbrush. That's nothing, he then dips the toothbrush into the toilet and sticks it back in his mouth. Jamie kindly said "you may want to get rid of this." I like to tell myself he's at that age of exploration, when really we're entering the "Terrible 2's" quite early.

Dawson

My baby is growing up. Pre-school every Tuesday and Thursday has opened up an entirely new world for Dawson. He is learning so much and always has questions. Some examples:

• Dawson wanted to know if his school was for babies. Not knowing where he was going with this, I told him no, it's for big boys. Not missing a beat he replied, "yeah, well where are all the deskez (not a typo).
• He has learned new words like, puke. After school one day he asked if he could call Audrey's spit up "puke" instead. I'm constantly hearing "ewww, Mom she puked again." This is just the beginning of "new" words I'm sure he'll be learning at school.
• He has found his favorite mode of transportation. Just recently his class took a trip to Hershberger's Pumpkin Patch in Berlin. I thought he would be overjoyed about the hayride and pumpkin patch. Forget the pumpkins, all he wanted to do is ride the bus! I told the teacher how much he had looked forward to that, so they took pictures. I can't wait to get them! I'll have to post one, I'm sure he'll have a smile a mile wide!

Olivia

What I wouldn't do to have Olivia here, telling you how much she has grown right along with her sister. I know that Olivia is safe in God's arms and she will continue to grow in my heart. Some things in life just aren't meant to be easy. These heartaches change us, mold us, make us stronger, into the very person we are meant to be. One of the most difficult things I have ever done is deciding on Olivia's headstone. This is something I have been putting off and have just recently finished. It's just so final, you know, I felt like I was picking out her first outfit for school, her prom dress and her wedding dress all in one. I need it to be perfect. Perfect for her, for Audrey, for me and our family. It's all we can do.

As I close this post, I want to thank you for your continued support, concern and love. Your thoughts and prayers through our journey have meant so very much. I appreciate you letting our family into your lives and allowing us to share our story.

Love,

Jenn

Home Sweet Home

She sleeps...during the day :)

Not sure exactly what happened with my dates. You'll have to scroll down to read about Audrey's first week at home. It is below "Eviction Notice Posted". Lots of updates to come...so much happening at our zoo, oops...I mean home.

Eviction Notice Posted!

Audrey received her eviction notice today! She has to be out no later than Wednesday, August 27. She has been such a big girl over the past 48 hours. Audrey has kept her temperature right at 36.5 Celsius and has been able to remain in her open crib. She is not only accepting her full feedings, but gladly takes more. Her weight gains continue to be steady, hence the willingness to eat more than necessary. Last but not least, she

has finally refrained from demanding oxygen. The oxygen was a big hurdle for her and the only potential obstacle in coming home. Tomorrow they will do blood tests to check her red blood cell count and to test how fast her body produces red blood cells. Since this determines the hemoglobin and oxygen in her body. As long as those numbers are high enough she should be sleeping in the comfort of her own pack 'n play tomorrow evening, right beside my bed.

I did not; however, say that I would be sleeping. Where Kevin wants her to be off everything before she leaves the NICU, I would like for her to continue on her monitor at least for the first couple of weeks. I understand his reasoning, she shouldn't come home if she needs to be on oxygen and monitors. My thoughts, bring her home on a monitor. The monitor will be able to wake us up in the middle of the night if her oxygen levels plummet. I really fear that I will not be able to sleep without a monitor. If I would happen to fall asleep I envision waking up in a panic that I actually drifted off. All of the moms reading this know exactly what I mean, now multiply that times 10. I cannot imagine anything happening to Audrey and I'll do everything in my power to keep her safe.

So, I ask you once again for your prayers this evening. Please pray that Audrey's blood work shows that she is ready to go home, pray for our safety on the road, and pray that Audrey will continue to get stronger in our care. Thank you so much, the power of prayer is amazing! I know that God doesn't answer all of our prayers (boy, do I ever), but I also know that He can. He doesn't make mistakes, even when we don't understand why our prayers may not be answered.

Hopefully my next post will be about our first days with Audrey home. Thank you for being a part of our story. Each of your prayers has made it what it is.

Much Love,

Jenn

Home Sweet Home

Well, we made it! Exiting the doors at Aultman's NICU marked the end to another chapter in this emotional story. Audrey's 44 day home in the NICU ended. We begin the new chapter with Audrey at home. I know, I know...where are the pictures? I will upload some as soon as I figure out why my computer is not reading my SD card.

Let me first start by saying Audrey's first week has gone well. I was so leary about her coming home without a monitor. I surely thought she should be on one just in case something would go wrong. Well, God must have known how concerned I was and provided Audrey with a built-in model. I'm not kidding one bit when I say, my beautiful little Audrey grunted all night long. Seriously, all night. At 2 am Kevin finally said, are you sleeping? Surely not. Who could? There was no doubt she was breathing. Funny thing was while we were tossing and turning, she was sound asleep through all her grunting. Needless to say it was a long night. By the end of it, Kevin was in Dawson's room, Dawson was in bed with me, and Audrey was sound asleep just as Lane was waking up. Doesn't leave much sleep for Mom in there anywhere.

The boys are just in awe over Audrey. Dawson says she's his girlfriend, such innocense. Lane just looks at her and smiles as long as she's in her pack n play, carseat or bassinette. If Audrey is in Mommy's arms, he's dying to be held and no longer interested in the "intruder." Dawson loves Audrey so much, he constantly wants to hold her or touch her. I have to share a funny Dawson story with you. On the second night that Audrey was home with us the boys sat down to eat dinner and I finished nursing. Audrey was quite fussy. OK, she was wailing. She doesn't have the entire nursing thing down yet and gets quite impatient. So, I hear Dawson ask Kevin "Daddy, do we get to keep Audrey forever?" Smiling, and surely proud of the sweetness oozing out of our son, Kevin said "yep, we get to keep her forever". Dawson didn't skip a beat and replied "What are we going to do about the screaming?" I don't know that we stopped giggling soon enough to answer. That's Dawson, so sweet and innocent, yet so beyond his years.

Audrey's homecoming will be a true adjustment for everyone. I really no longer know what is normal and the boys don't either. We will completely have to redefine that in our household. I know that I said in a previous post that my boys wouldn't know what to do when I come home and Audrey is out of the hospital. I knew they would be bored and not nearly as spoiled as they have been the past 7 weeks. I learned how truly bored they would be with me when Dawson asked if he could go watch Nina paint. I explained to him that Nina wasn't painting a picture she was painting a room in a rental. He said "I know, can I pleaaaase go with her?" He did. I imagined they would return in a few minutes after he had his fill of just how boring that could be. Well, to my surprise Dawson returned home 2 hours later. So there you have it, my son would rather watch paint dry than spend a day home with mom.

It has been an amazing road traveled over the past 8 months. The TTTS is over. My pregnancy is over. Olivia's service is over. The rush of trips to and from the NICU is over. Audrey is home. It is only now when everything has slowed down that true healing can begin. I again thank you for your continued prayers for our family. They are much needed and much appreciated.

This post has been quite long as I've been working on it bit by bit. I must say sleep deprivation, a preschooler, a toddler, and a newborn don't allow much time for blog writing. I really wanted to post this about a week ago to let you know we have survived and it just didn't happen. So, here it is, my first post exactly a week and a half after we brought Audrey Olivia, our little miracle home. It's now 11:15 pm and I hear the precious sound of Audrey's sweet cry. Motherhood is calling.

Love,

Jenn

Eviction Notice?

Did someone say "eviction notice?"

Time has gotten away from me again. It's hard to believe that as of today Audrey has been in the NICU at Aultman Hospital for 38 days. That makes her just over 5 weeks old and, according to the doctors, 36 weeks and 2 days adjusted age.

My goal was to keep up with this blog every couple of days. HA, that's funny. Obviously, I've never had a baby in the NICU and two boys at home desperately needing their mommy's attention when she returns. The combination of these things leaves very little time for getting on the computer for updates.

So, to keep you up to date...Audrey's stay in her big girl crib was short-lived as she returned to her isolette just four days later. Ahh, the things we take for granted that our bodies do naturally and little Audrey's has to work very hard for like breathing, keeping warm, eating, and even staying awake to eat. Because Audrey has to do all of these things at once, something had to give and it was her temperature and weight gain. Audrey was burning too many calories doing those things we take for granted and began losing those precious ounces that took her so long to gain. When Audrey started to lose weight she had to go back into her isolette. Personally, I think she just enjoyed being cozy, warm and cradled by the blanket "nest."




Along with returning to her crib, she has returned to her "nose" after several attempts to abandon it. She just can't seem to kick her addiction to her nasal canula. Early Monday morning (12:30 am) Audrey was taken off her oxygen, she lasted for 30 hours! She was put back on oxygen after dipping down during feedings and not recovering afterwards. Losing oxygen while you eat is not that uncommon, adults often do it as well. The problem comes after she has finished her feedings and still remains in the 60%-70% blood oxygen level. The neonatalogist needs to see Audrey in the upper 80%-90% levels.

Steroids were mentioned as a way to kick this oxygen addiction. It seems that everything that is used in the NICU to help babies also has it's drawbacks. Steroids can cause delays in growth, both physical and neurological. Although this is usually seen in large doses of steroids we feel that Audrey is on a small enough amount of oxygen at the time that the risks outweigh the benefits. We will hold off on accepting the steroids as treatment at least for awhile longer.




So, although there is talk of an eviction notice, the date has not been confirmed. The nurses are all making bets as to what day Audrey will get to see her new home. We just have to keep hoping for the following things:

• All feeds by breast or bottle for 24 hours. No feeding tube!



• Open crib for 24 hours. No more isolette.
  
  
• Episode free for 24 hours. No brady's, destat's, etc.



• Continuing to gain weight while doing all the above.
  

As you can see "off oxygen" did not make the list. This takes me back to our first meeting with the NICU Nurse Practitioner while in the anti-pardom section of the hospital. We met with her since we were only 30 weeks along after being admitted to hospital bedrest. She told us all about the NICU and mentioned that some babies go home on monitors and oxygen. When the NP left our room Kevin and I looked at each other right away and commented "there's no way our baby is going home on a monitor!" Funny, huh. Now there is talk of her coming home on both. Although it is scary, I've become quite comfortable and educated with both of these necessities. If the neonatalogists believe it is safe for Audrey to come home on oxygen and monitors we will gladly bring her home. I didn't say, however, that we would sleep. So, I'll keep you posted on that eviction notice.

Again, thank you for your love and support. I could not do this without the help of so many family and friends. Whether that help comes through support from a card, a phone call, a visit to the hospital, dinner, or babysitting it is appreciated more than I could ever articulate. My boys have been cared for so well during this experience. We kind of have the week down to a science. They look forward to their "Aunt Lola days" in which they are completely spoiled. I really believe that all things are put on-hold when our boys walk through the door at Lola and Jerry's.

My sister-in-law, Renee, is a true blessing as are all the meals she so graciously prepares. Dawson and Lane look forward to playing with Ken and Renee's kids each week and I am at ease knowing they are in good hands.

Lori, our full-time babysitter has had a chance to breathe with all the help we've been getting. I can say without a doubt when she is at our house watching our boys she barely has a chance to take a breath. Lori, I greatly appreciate all you do...cleaning, cooking, folding laundry and most importantly putting our kids first. We are so blessed to have you in our lives!

Picking up any left over days would be The Hall Clan. I can't say enough for what your boys, correction, men mean to Dawson and Lane. I know the scavenger hunt will go down in history as one of Dawson's favorite memories.

And, as always, my Mom and Dad. Although it has been just about the most difficult time to have a baby in our family, due to racing season, they have still found time to help out. Even more so, they keep me in check reminding me that I need to spend time having fun with my boys. The afternoon at the lake was much needed. Thank you all a million times over.

Tiny...but growing!

So, so tiny...yet she takes up so much room in our heart!

The strength of someone so small is a beautiful thing. Audrey is determined that the meaning of her name, strength, is very fitting for her. She continues to amaze us daily with her will to get even stronger.

What a week it has been for Audrey! I imagine her world has been turned upside down with all the new things she has had to get used to. After a great week without oxygen during her second week of life, she has returned to wearing her nasal canula or "nose" as they call it in the NICU. Her "nose" has done such great things for her. She has gained almost a pound over the past two weeks and now weighs a whopping 3 lbs. 14 1/2 oz. The reason for all of her gains is a direct result of the oxygen. Preemies work so hard just to breathe that they burn more calories than they are able to take in. By assisting Audrey with her breathing, she doesn't have to work so hard, thus reserving those calories for some good weight gains! It's absolutely amazing if you think about it, in the past week she has gained 25% of her birthweight! Can you imagine gaining an additional 25% of your body weight in a week? Yikes!


Besides her good gains she has also been able to maintain her temperature with her isolette turned down to 87 degrees. Since she had been keeping her temperature in the normal range with the isolette turned down the neonatalogist gave the o.k. to dress Audrey and turn the isolette down to room temperature (they do keep the rooms warm). Oh, to dress Audrey! So, so fun! I've been accustomed to boy clothes with puppies and racecars which are cute, but oh, to see pink! What a sight. The first outfit she wore was a white sleeper with purple flowers. The best part were the little feet, they look like little purple Mary Janes with bows on the front of them! She finally looks like a little girl instead of just a baby in a diaper.


She did so well once she was dressed that they moved her into her big girl crib! What a sight to see when I walked in the next morning. No more reaching through holes to touch our baby, leaning down to sing through the holes, or that awkward diaper changing position. They did keep the isolette in the room and ready just in case. It has now been two days of the big girl crib and I'm proud to say she's working hard to keep her temperature up.


Audrey is doing so well, yet has a long way to go before reaching her due date of September 15. Currently she is considered a 34 weeker, we are just starting to attempt bottle feeding. The reason for this is that before babies are 36 weeks they aren't able to suck, swallow, and breathe like a full-term baby. Audrey attemps to take one bottle (breastmilk, of course) a day and I'm allowed to nurse one time a day, otherwise she is still being tube-fed. She often falls asleep before finishing her bottle, it is an absolutely exhausting task for her. When this happens they give her the remainder of her milk in her feeding tube.


We continue to be amazed by the power of prayer and what great things God can do! Each day Audrey proves this to us. Again I have to thank each of you for your prayers and kind words. The cards that we have received mean so, so much to us. It's incredibly moving to receive cards in remembrance of Olivia and welcoming Audrey. Each card for Olivia has its place in her memory box and will continue to warm our heart each time we read them. To hear a friend or family member say "Olivia" or to read her name is like a giant hug. A reminder that she is not forgotten.


I will continue to try my best to give updates on Audrey's progress. The past three weeks have been exhausting, both emotionally and physically. Yet I find myself continuing to need the therapy session this blog provides everytime I start writing about my precious girls.

NICU week 2

Sweet Audrey

Our sweet Audrey had a great second week...notice no oxygen and no bili-light in the picture above. She is just a sweet, precious baby that needs to grow and get stronger. My cousin, Todd Phillips, was talking to his mom about Audrey and said how amazing it will be to watch her grow and develop in the next ten weeks. We get to witness what usually is still happening in the womb. This is so true. I still get updates via email that explains how the baby is growing in utero. It's so interesting to see how Audrey would be developing if she was still in the womb. Below is where Audrey is today at 33 weeks and a comparison of where she would be if she was still in the womb.

Baby at 33 weeks in utero

• weighs close to 4 lbs
• just passed 17" long
• rapidly losing that wrinkled, alien look

Audrey Olivia, 33 weeks gestation

• weighs 2 lbs. 14 oz.
• 15" long
• definitely still has that wrinkled, alien look (we think its sooo cute, though)

What they include about mothers at this time is really different from how I'm feeling at the moment...

Mommy-to-be at 33 weeks (and I quote)

• may find yourself waddling or bumping into counters
• may be feeling some achiness or even numbness
• many women feel sexy at this stage

Me, post pregnancy

• bumping into things, yet not because of a big belly, but due to exhaustion
• no numbness, feeling every ache and pain.
• feeling sexy...come on, we all know the answer to this one

On a more serious note...God is Good. I am able to smile, when I wondered if I would be capable. He has given me strength that I didn't believe was possible to possess, let alone after delivering our babies. Not only has he provided strength, he has provided a miracle. As I hold Audrey each day I realize how blessed we are to have her. She has gone through so much for someone so, so tiny. I know she has a long ways to go, yet every step she makes towards coming home causes reason to celebrate. I will never again take for granted a healthy pregnancy free of complications, seeing a baby breathe without oxygen, the seemingly simple task of nursing or drinking her first bottle. The list could go on and on. There is so much we have to be thankful for.

Thank you does not seem like enough for all the generous help friends and family have provided over the past four months. Our friends at Grace Brethren Church in Wooster have truly been a gift from God the past couple of weeks. The meals that have been brought to our family have been delicious. I appreciate these meals more than you know. It is so wonderful to be able to stay with Audrey at the hospital and know that my family will still have a warm, delicious meal. I am overwhelmed by the generosity of people that do not even know us, yet have shown so much compassion. Along with the meals it has been nice to catch up with old friends and meet new members of our church family. As for family, I cannot say enough about all the help with our boys. Lane and Dawson are going to think life is boring when Audrey comes home and they are summoned to the our house instead of being spoiled by their Aunts. It is such a safe and secure feeling knowing that my boys are not only well cared for while we're with Audrey, but that they are having such a good time as well. Hugs to each of you.

Audrey Olivia's First Week

When they placed you in my arms, you slipped into my heart.-- Author Unknown

What a miracle our sweet Audrey is! The meaning of her name, strength, is proving to be true.

As if all the complications with TTTS has not been enough she now will spend her first 8-10 weeks of life in Aultman's NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). Her strength continues to amaze us daily. The nurses in the NICU at Aultman are wonderful and provide such encouragement as they update us on Audrey.

She has come a long way in just 9 days, continuously improving. She is completely off oxygen and has said good-bye to tanning under the bili-light after just 3 days. She is enjoying her feedings and is currently up to 24 cc's, which is her max for her weight...a whopping 2 lbs. 12 oz. She's almost back up to her birthweight, 2 lbs. 14 1/2 oz.

Audrey is perfect in every way, just quite small. As far as age goes, she will continue to be referred to in gestation weeks. We are currently at the 32 week mark. She is being fed through a feeding tube and will remain that way until 36 weeks. It's hard to believe it will be four more weeks until I can even attempt to feed her. For now, I am content to spend my days holding her and realize this precious gift God has given us. She truly is a miracle.

I look forward to each daily visit and watching her as she grows, even if it is only in grams at this point. I'm sure someday in the future I'll look back and be amazed at how small she once was.

I'm starting to feel like Audrey's Mommy as I got to change her diaper Thursday. Talk about a challenge. I have never changed a diaper of a preemie, let alone a preemie in an isolette. It might possibly be the most awkward task for a Mommy. For starters, you have to change from the side position and through two holes that are about 8" in diameter. All while trying to be as gentle as possible, because your sure that she's so tiny she just may break if you do anything wrong. The nurses and I laughed together as I realized that my first change was not up to par. Her diaper was on, but that's about it. I'll get it...it's just going to take some getting used to. It felt great to be able to do that, even if I'm not really good at it yet.

Along with the diaper change, came another milestone...the bath I got to give her on Saturday evening. How fun! I couldn't believe how much she enjoyed it...she didn't even cry. I figured she would be wailing the entire time, but she must like being out of her isolette and in her Mommy's arms.

I spent today singing to her as I kangarooed her for three hours. No, I don't wear a womb shaped pouch...Kangaroo Care is simply holding the baby chest to chest. It is absolutely wonderful and helps to strengthen the bond between mother and child. The numbers on her monitor (heartrate, blood oxygen, and respiratory rate) all even out when I'm holding her. The monitor is Kevin's favorite part of her room. Seriously, Kevin rarely takes his eyes off those monitors everytime we are there to visit. The continuous beeping, binging, and other alarms don't really allow you to relax while in the NICU.

While Kangarooing, I like to tell her stories about her life and how lucky we are to have her. I tell her all about her brothers and how she needs to start growing or she's not going to survive at this house. The nurses comment on how she's such a feisty little lady and although I have no idea where she gets that I'm thankful for every ounce of fiestiness she has in her--it will only help her to get through her NICU stay.

I have to say thank you again to each of you for your prayers. God has provided the strength we have needed to get through this difficult, yet joyous time. Your cards, gifts, meals, babysitting and rides to the hospital are appreciated so very much. I'll continue to update our blog as much as possible although updates may be slow. We are extremely busy with visits to Audrey at the hospital and trying to keep life as normal as possible for our boys. As I sign off for tonight, know that each of you will be in my prayers and how thankful I am to have such a supportive group of family and friends.

Bring the Rain

"Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to

praise You Jesus, bring the rain"

~Mercy Me "Bring the Rain"

How do you make a lifetime of memories in 8 short months? What I have realized is there is never enough time: what I wouldn't do right now to hold Olivia again, kiss her sweet forehead, sing to her, tell her a story.

We layed Olivia to rest on Saturday, July 19 at a private service with our parents and siblings. The service was beautiful, just as I imagine my sweet Olivia is right now. Pastor David Lawson is amazing and focused Olivia's service on hope. The hope we know we have because of Jesus and what he has provided for us. He explained that Olivia's life had purpose. God knew her before we did, he had a plan for her and he was excited about Olivia and the work she would do in our lives. Although Olivia was only with us for a brief time she has impacted my life in a way that I'm not sure I can even put into words. She has strengthened our marriage, provided a renewed strength in my faith and completely changed the person I once was.

This pregnancy has been one of abundant joy and deep sorrow, such a strange mix of feelings, I'm not really sure they were ever meant to happen at the same time. As much as I wonder "Why?," I can say without a doubt that I am a better person for having known her and getting to experience her life if even for such a short amount of time. I know that there will come a day when I will have time to spend with Olivia...I will sing to her and tell her all the stories that I always wanted to and never had the chance. One more lesson learned...I look forward to that day like I never have before.

Olivia's life will continue to bring glory...Jesus, Bring the Rain.

Audrey and her Mommy

Kevin sent me this picture today of Jennifer holding Audrey! YES...holding Audrey.

The doctors feel that Audrey is doing well enough, that she can spend some time being comforted by her mommy. I think Jennifer's smile says it all.

Audrey has already had many visitors. Today, her Nina and Pawpaw Jacobs saw her for the first time. They can't get over how much hair she has and how delicate and skinny her little fingers are. (You can tell that they've only had grandsons up until this point!)

Jennifer also told me that they have decided on middle names:

Audrey Olivia Troyer and Olivia Faith Troyer

Jennifer will be discharged from the hospital today and will go home to see Dawson and Lane tonight. However, she will still make likely two trips a day to Aultman to visit with Audrey. The next eight weeks are going to be tough on the family, so please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Audrey's First Day

Baby Audrey's Footprints

Aunt Keka here again...

Baby Audrey has had an amazing first day of her life.

I was wrong in my first post about her birth. Audrey is not on oxygen. In fact, the little girl has mostly been breathing on her own the past 24 hours! Last night, before Jennifer went to bed, the nurses did put Audrey on a "CPAP" (continous positive airway pressure). The CPAP is not to help Audrey breathe, but to help expand her lungs as they weren't expanding enough on their own.

The nurses told Jenn and Kevin that if Audrey was doing ok throughout the night, they may be able to remove the CPAP on Sunday.

Again, the little fighter proved her strength.

By 8:30 on Sunday, the CPAP had already been removed, much earlier than the nurses expected.

When Jennifer got to Audrey's room, she found her little one sunbathing. Well, not really, but she was laying under a bili light, which helps heal babies who are slightly jaundiced, as Audrey is.

She also was given a little bit of oxygen today through a nasal cannula, but she is not dependent on it.

Little Audrey cries a lot, which breaks Jennifer's heart, but Kevin and the nurses remind her that crying wil help strengthen her lungs. While Jennifer wants to comfort her daughter, she cannot yet hold her, and does not touch her for fear of hindering her progress.

Today continued to be a big day for the Troyer family. Big brothers Dawson and Lane traveled to the hospital to visit their Mommy. While Lane spent most of his time eating (go figure) in the room with Aunt Tara and Uncle Lee, Dawson went with his Mommy and Daddy to meet his baby sister.

The sheer size of Audrey caught Dawson off guard. She was also crying which scared him a bit. He didn't stay long, but tells everyone he talks to about his "Mom's new baby". He also can say Audrey quite well, which makes everyone smile. Back in the room, he introduced himself to a nurse and explained that he "is 4. Baby Lane is 1. And baby Audrey doesn't have a number yet!" :)

Jenn wants everyone to know how much hair Audrey has! Jet black hair! And she says that she knows that a 2 lb. 14 oz. baby is going to be petite, but that Audrey has the most delicate features. A tiny nose and long skinny fingers. She is pure girl.

Jennifer also talks with so much pride about Kevin. Kevin has stepped up to the plate, playing single father to both Dawson and Lane at home. He drives back and forth to the hospital as much as possible, caring for his wife and his little girl. All of this while also attaining his masters online.

Jennifer can't wait to get home to give him a break and some time to do something fun. (Kevin better take advantage of that! I wouldn't push for the trip to Vegas though! ;)

The preemiest of preemie clothes couldn't begin to fit Audrey at this point. She is still so small. The doctors expect her to be in nicu for approximately eight more weeks, which means many, many, many trips to Aultman for Jennifer and Kevin. Jennifer expects to be released from the hospital tomorrow, when she and Kevin will begin planning for Olivia's services. She will be sure to post all information, plus her feelings for their little angel when she gets out of the hospital.

Audrey has become the focus of the entire family already. If love could heal all wounds, and by all accounts it does, this little girl will be out of the hospital as quickly as she was delivered. (Did I mention that Jenn was in hard labor for less than an hour?!) Audrey is the subject of every phone call, every text message and nearly every e-mail. Papa and Nina are rushing home now to see their first granddaughter!

Audrey will continue to grow both phsyically and spiritually and emotionally as the days continue. It will be an amazing and bittersweet day when we are able to celebrate her finally "getting a number"!

They're Here!

Quite unexpectedly...baby Audrey made her introduction to the world today, while Baby Olivia was able to spend a little time with her Mommy and Daddy.

Now that the news is out there...let me back up a bit.

On Tuesday evening, Jennifer began experiencing minor contractions. While diagnosed as Braxton Hicks, the contractions continued. As the night progressed, Jennifer and Kevin became very concerned when she also began bleeding.

Nina came to the house to watch Dawson and Lane while Jennifer and Kevin rushed to Aultman Hospital. Once there, Jennifer was given medication to both spur the development on baby Audrey's lungs and also slow Jennifer's contractions. Braxton Hicks they were not...she had dilated 3 centimeters. The bleeding was coming from little Olivia's placenta and was not a threat to Audrey at all.

Jennifer, however, was not allowed to leave the hospital until all bleeding had stopped. That, unfortunatley, never happened. She spent three long days in the hospital, but she never had the opportunity to be lonely. Aunt Tara and Uncle Lee visited often, as did Kevin, with Dawson and Lane who missed their Mommy very much. In fact, Dawson called her once to tell her that she needed to come home that day, not any later.

Nina and Papa visted too, as did Lindsey and Lola and Paige. On Wednesday evening, great-grandpa "Pop" Smith also visted with Lisa to make sure that Jennifer's spirits were up. Aunt Sandy and Uncle Gaylord also came to visit.

Back in Holmesville, Nina, the constant planner, pounced at the opportunity to do work. In one day, the Troyer's spare room was transferred to a nursery. All of baby Audrey's clothes were washed and prepared. Dawson couldn't understand any of this, however, because Aunt Keka (me) was supposed to come home and sleep in that bed next weekend. When Nina offered his bed for me, he quickly said "No. She's too big!!" So I guess I lost my place to sleep! :)

On Friday morning, the Jacobs and Smith families disappeared. As most of you know, when a big race comes happens, Holmesville becomes a ghost town. So, Jennifer said good-bye to Mom and Dad, the Haudenshilds, the Mays and the Hall's as they all departed for Eldora.

On Friday, Jennifer and I talked often. She was worried that the bleeding hadn't stopped. The doctors assured her that Audrey was fine. But she was also concerned in getting home to her little boys and giving Kevin some relief. She got updates from Eldora (Dad finished 10th) and spent the night watching television as Dawson and Lane went for a night out with Uncle Kim and Aunt Amber.

The next morning, while still asleep in Chicago, I woke up to my cell phone ringing. Jennifer, very calmly, explained to me that her contractions had returned. In fact, they had been going on since 5:45 am. She had been alone the whole time, but had called Kevin to come to the hospital. The phone call was almost humorous. It was like someone calling you to tell you you had an overdue library book. Very docile, calm and quiet.

Within two hours, the babies were here! Jennifer did have an epidural this time. (Both Dawson and Lane were born naturally.) Audrey was born first. And, amazingly, she let out a cry. Her lungs had, apparently, developed. Jennifer was able to hold her shortly before the nurses took her to the NIC Unit.

Baby Olivia was born next. The nurses wrapped her up and gave Jennifer and Kevin some time with their angel. Jennifer had been both afraid of and anticipating her arrival. Fearing sadness, but craving the need to comfort her little one that had died way too soon.

When she gained some of her strength, and I'm telling you...it was quick. She called me 30 minutes after labor and you would have thought she was laying by the pool. Very happy. Her spirits are up. And she was waiting on a wheelchair to take her to Audrey. The happiness in her voice was back...gone for too long from the heartbreak that this pregnancy has bestowed on her.

Baby Audrey is amazing. Quite appropriate since Audrey means "strength". At only 2 lbs. 14 oz., and 13 inches long, she has only needed nasal oxygen. We have received several pictures of this little beauty. I wish I could post them on here, but they are all on my cell phone. There is one of her gripping Jenn's finger, and I'm telling you her whole hand is the size of Jenn's fingernail. Aunt Tara and Aunt Lisa report that she has long, skinny legs and Jennifer's little ski-slope nose. :) She is responding to sound and light well. The doctors have nothing but positive comments on her health. She truly is a fighter.

Baby Olivia, meaning "peace" gave great peace to her mother and father today. I don't want to say too much, because the details are up to Jennifer and Kevin to share. But, I believe the opportunity to meet their baby, comfort her and say good-bye was good for them.

This day has brought them both sorrow and joy, but both Mommy and Daddy are doing well. They wanted you all to know how grateful they are for your concern and prayers throughout this tough, seemingly long, but actually very short pregnancy.

Pictures will be posted soon. Please continue to keep Audrey in your prayers as she is so tiny in this big world.

--Aunt Keka (I love my boys...but YAY!!! I finally have a niece!)

Not a Day Goes By

It's hard for me to believe that it's been 8 weeks since we've lost one of our little girls. This experience has changed the person I once was. It's almost like the person I used to be is a mystery. I apologize if I see you and don't seem like myself. I'm stuck between the person I used to be and who I am now with a heart that feels irrepairable. My life will never be the same and although I am thankful to have two beautiful boys and a surviving twin girl on the way, I have lost a child. Some people may not view it that way, but she was so very real and so alive. I carried her for 5 months and saw her so many times on ultrasounds. She may not have had much room to move around, but she was moving every time we saw her. She had a strong heartbeat, just as strong as her sisters everytime. I saw her already starting fights with her sister as she received jabs and kicks, she tried hard to defend herself, yet she was quite smaller than her sister. It may sound strange, but I feel so fortunate to still be carrying her. She is still a part of me for a little while.

She was a part of my life from the day I found out we were having twins. You know, I'd give anything to go back to that day. Some may think I'm crazy, but when Dr. Vaccariello left the room the day I found out we were having twins I looked up and thanked God for such a gift. I didn't say "God, I can't do this" I said "thank you". I didn't know the ride I would endure from that point, and although at times I think it would have been easier to have just not been expecting twins, I wouldn't change it even if I could. I would've missed the dance, so to speak.


I was given the opportunity to prepare for two babies. I sat in the nursery and imagined where I would place two cribs. I imagined how Kevin and I would handle feedings. I imagined being in debt to cover a new mini-van, diapers, and formula. At the time we didn't know they were girls and I thought how cool it would be to have 4 Troyer boys on a basketball court at the same time. Imagine that! I thought about them being as close as two siblings could get. Once I knew they were girls I couldn't believe it, I really thought that Troyers didn't produce girls and here we were getting two for the price of one. The love that consumed my heart can't be described.


I'm currently reading Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur. He assures his readers that every baby, whether unborn, stillborn, or youngsters receive "instant heaven." Although this is what I believe, it is so comforting to read scriptures that support my baby girl being in heaven. I often think about loved ones that I've lost holding her, I'm sure they're making a big fuss over my little girl right now. I know that she is a life-long guardian angel of her sister. I also know two little baby boys that are probably really good friends with her already.


It's amazing to me when I think back about my life, especially my life married to Kevin. I think about all the good times, like vacations in the mountains or on the beach. I also think about the good times that were just simple: movies at home on the couch, grilling out, making our first home our own, the weeks that we would get on card kicks and play Rummy everynight.


But I also think of the times that seemed so difficult. Then it occurs to me, the entire time we were living our life together, God knew that we would go through this . He prepared us with all the good times we shared together that helped our love to grow and he was there for the challenges that made us stronger. He knew that we would go through the loss of a little girl we were so excited to receive and he also knew that we would make it through this time. There is something bigger to this life-altering event that I haven't figured out. I pray that God will show me where to go from here.

28 weeks

We have reached another milestone in this pregnancy--28 weeks!! This is a crucial time in pregnancy as 28 weeks marks brain development. I feel so fortunate to have made it this far and hope to keep our baby girl growing with my assistance for at least another six weeks.

At our appointment on June 24 she weighed in at 2 lbs. 5 oz. One might think you would be likely to gain a lot of weight on bedrest, turns out you gain more when you leave your bed and go to Hilton Head for a week. Must be all that She Crab Soup! What I wouldn't give for a bowl of that right now.


Our ultrasounds are showing some discrepancies in our due date. We have been told for awhile that it's September 15, yet the ultrasound at this appointment showed our due date at October 3. Dr. McDaniel explained that with TTTS and twins it's hard for an ultrasound to actually pick up exactly what week the baby is at. He is not concerned, however, especially since we saw good growth in all her measurements from our last ultrasound to this one.


I'll go back to Aultman on July 8 for my 30 week appointment. After that I will start going two times a week from 32 weeks on. I was shocked to hear how often we would be making the trip to Canton, between now and my due date of September 15 I have 25 appointments scheduled! At these visits they will constantly be running tests to make sure our little girl is staying strong. It seems that there will be a series of tests during each appointment. I'm very happy to hear our doctors are being proactive. I can't say enough about the MFM's at Aultman.

A much needed vacation

It's about time I get on here to update my blog...so much to fill you all in on. Let me first say that our survivor, Baby B is doing wonderful. At our June 4 appointment she weighed in at 1 lb. 13 oz. She is gaining weight and growing stronger each day. I asked the doctor about bedrest and he felt that my pregnancy has been going much better, and sadly enough stated that we would treat it as a singleton pregnancy. Hard words to hear.

Since our baby girl is doing well and her guardian angel sister is cooperating the doctor felt that he could take me off bedrest. It just so happened that our family was leaving for Hilton Head in 2 days, June 6. I explained to Dr. Gill that our family really wanted us to go along on vacation, but I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I was leaving it up to him. The last thing I wanted to do was to cause any further problems with this pregnancy. He read right through my explanation and told me that he thought a vacation would be just what we needed. Dr. Gill is one of those people that just always knows what to say and the manner to say it in. He told us that we have had such a difficult time with this pregnancy, that he knows how sad I've been. He thought that maybe a vacation would provide a fresh start, where I could come back with a cleared head and realize that I still have a baby to be strong for. Dr. Gill asked that I stop taking the Procardia and return to Aultman the following day to do another full evaluation. If everything looked good, bedrest would be a thing of the past and Hilton Head Island was a go.

Needless to say, I went home and started packing. Our appointment the next day went well. I didn't show any signs of contractions and our little girl checked out great. I was told to drink plenty of water, stop driving often for breaks and enjoy myself. We had the rest of the night to pack for our departure the next day.

Our vacation was just as Dr. Gill prescribed. It allowed me to escape my room, my home and my otherwise house arrest for a week. It was refreshing. We drove to Charlotte and stayed at Kendra's.

Dawson absolutely loves going to Aunt Keka's. For one thing he's spoiled rotten while he is there and the other reason is for the fountains at Burkdale Village that kids run though. It was so nice to spend time with my sister--there's not a relationship stronger than that of sisters.

We left for Hilton Head the next day. Our first trip to the beach wasn't too promising as Lane cried for an hour. He didn't like the sand or the water! By the next day he loved them both, so much so that he even enjoyed tasting the sand on a regular basis. My how different we are with our second child!

Dawson had an absolute blast no matter where we went. He loves The Salty Dog and looks forward to Cappy the Clown painting a picture on his arm (most kids get their face painted, Dawson is a bit of a perfectionist and wouldn't dare let that paint get on his face). This year we were at The Salty Dog on his birthday. Cappy the Clown painted a dinosaur and fireworks on his arm as Dawson requested, then she had all the kids sing "Happy Birthday" to him and gave him a gift of a red clown nose. He felt very special and quite embarrassed.

I really enjoyed the break away from home. The beach was absolutely beautiful, there's just something about looking out into that mass of water. You realize how small you are and how great God is.

Finally Good News...

I have to start off with a big Happy Birthday, Lane!!! I can't believe my baby is one today! My, how fast a year can go by! He has been so much fun. He gave me the greatest birthday gift--he took his first step! That's a milestone I'll never forget.


We finally got some good news about this pregnancy on Wednesday at my MFM appointment. Dr. Gill, who is just about the most compassionate doctor you could meet, said that all looks great with Baby B. He explained that the first 2 weeks after surgery were the most critical and if a blood transfusion would've taken place when Baby A passed that it would have shown up in Baby B's brain by now.


He went through everything that they look for to make sure that the transfusion did not happen and our little girl checked out just fine. She has a heart rate of 156 and weighs 15 oz. Dr. Gill said that we could stand to hear some good news and said they aren't going to do another ultrasound until 28 weeks (I'm currently 23 weeks). I'll continue to see my MFM every 2-3 weeks. This makes me a little nervous, yet at the same time ultrasounds are not nearly as exciting for me as they used to be. I used to look forward to seeing two heartbeats and they still evaluate Baby A which makes it very difficult to watch. Not to mention, I feel like I always have to ask the ultrasound tech before they even start if they know that we lost one of our babies.


So, with Baby B doing so well it's really hard to continue laying around the house. Dawson and I have been having "Sorry" tournaments on a daily basis, so that has been a highlight. I would love to be able to pick Lane up when he's crying and plant some flowers. It's amazing the things you take for granted.


I'm hoping at my next appointment on June 4 we can discuss this bed rest thing. My understanding is that since I had surgery I'm at risk for pre-term labor and therefore bed rest will probably continue. I have been taking procardia, a heart medication, every six hours to relax my uterus. Don't ask me how that works, sounds kind of crazy to me. However, it must be working because I haven't had any contractions that I know of.


It's getting kind of old calling our girls Baby A and Baby B, so we're going to have to name them soon. At least I can say she/her now! I was always afraid that I was going to slip. We have some names that we really like, but have not made a final decision yet. We'll make sure to post our names when we come to an agreement. So, we're open to suggestions.


Thank you again to everyone for you support, prayers, and kind words. We have been so overwhelmed by everyones generosity and feel so fortunate to be surrounded by such caring friends and family. I can't even begin to tell you what this means to me. Lots of hugs to all of you!

"At one glance I love you with a thousand hearts."

top of twins heads-13 weeks

"at one glance I love you with a thousand hearts."

It breaks my heart to have to write this on our blog. Our surgery did not turn out as well as expected. Baby A died sometime during the night after the surgery. The doctors were concerned due to the placental share, as Baby A only had a 20% share. However, they said this baby was up against so much more than just a placental insufficiency. Baby A had way too little fluid, over a 45% weight difference, heart distress, and a curved spine. The surgical staff does not believe that Baby A would've survived much longer even if we didn't do the surgery and at best would've survived only a few minutes after birth.

I guess as hard as it is to hear that we have lost one of our twins, I should be so thankful that little Baby B is still with us and actually doing really, really well. I pray that Baby B stays strong. The doctors feel that if we would not have gone through with the surgery we would've lost both babies or Baby B would have suffered neurological problems. This is still somewhat of a concern, albeit small, because there is a slight chance that they were connected deep in the placenta and doctors would have no way of seeing or knowing that. I'll be closely monitored for the next four weeks to make sure their are no changes in the dopplers of Baby B's brain.

It's just so hard to know that you did the right thing when the outcome is not pleasant. I would've done anything to save both of my babies. I can't help but think, what if... I know the future will hold many moments of joy and sorrow. Right now I'm anxious to meet our new little girl, yet I know that delivery will be an exceptionally difficult day and we're not really sure how to handle that quite yet.

It's just that as a mom, and I'm sure all moms know, I loved both of these babies as soon as I found out I was pregnant with them. There are hopes and dreams long before you meet your baby for the first time. I already saw two of everything...two babies to shower with kisses, two babies to hold, two babies crawling around, two cribs, identical outfits,... I know that I can look at my little girl and know what her sister would've looked like and I'm sure the future will hold many days where I still see two. It's so hard when I felt so special to be blessed with twins...no one ever expects it to turn out this way. I had never even heard of TTTS before I was diagnosed. It's just such a horrible, horrible disease.

I can't thank you enough for all your support, caring words and prayers. I know that it wasn't for lack of prayer and love that one of our babies didn't survive. I'm sure the days ahead will hold hope, sorrow, joy and pain. If my boys didn't keep me entertained right now, I'm not sure how I would make it through the day. I look at both of them and smile. They are beautiful and healthy-for that I'm so thankful.

I plan on continuing our blog, it is actually a form of therapy and with continued bedrest until delivery this blog really helps. I will keep you updated as much as I can concerning the rest of our pregnancy.