"At one glance I love you with a thousand hearts."

top of twins heads-13 weeks

"at one glance I love you with a thousand hearts."

It breaks my heart to have to write this on our blog. Our surgery did not turn out as well as expected. Baby A died sometime during the night after the surgery. The doctors were concerned due to the placental share, as Baby A only had a 20% share. However, they said this baby was up against so much more than just a placental insufficiency. Baby A had way too little fluid, over a 45% weight difference, heart distress, and a curved spine. The surgical staff does not believe that Baby A would've survived much longer even if we didn't do the surgery and at best would've survived only a few minutes after birth.

I guess as hard as it is to hear that we have lost one of our twins, I should be so thankful that little Baby B is still with us and actually doing really, really well. I pray that Baby B stays strong. The doctors feel that if we would not have gone through with the surgery we would've lost both babies or Baby B would have suffered neurological problems. This is still somewhat of a concern, albeit small, because there is a slight chance that they were connected deep in the placenta and doctors would have no way of seeing or knowing that. I'll be closely monitored for the next four weeks to make sure their are no changes in the dopplers of Baby B's brain.

It's just so hard to know that you did the right thing when the outcome is not pleasant. I would've done anything to save both of my babies. I can't help but think, what if... I know the future will hold many moments of joy and sorrow. Right now I'm anxious to meet our new little girl, yet I know that delivery will be an exceptionally difficult day and we're not really sure how to handle that quite yet.

It's just that as a mom, and I'm sure all moms know, I loved both of these babies as soon as I found out I was pregnant with them. There are hopes and dreams long before you meet your baby for the first time. I already saw two of everything...two babies to shower with kisses, two babies to hold, two babies crawling around, two cribs, identical outfits,... I know that I can look at my little girl and know what her sister would've looked like and I'm sure the future will hold many days where I still see two. It's so hard when I felt so special to be blessed with twins...no one ever expects it to turn out this way. I had never even heard of TTTS before I was diagnosed. It's just such a horrible, horrible disease.

I can't thank you enough for all your support, caring words and prayers. I know that it wasn't for lack of prayer and love that one of our babies didn't survive. I'm sure the days ahead will hold hope, sorrow, joy and pain. If my boys didn't keep me entertained right now, I'm not sure how I would make it through the day. I look at both of them and smile. They are beautiful and healthy-for that I'm so thankful.

I plan on continuing our blog, it is actually a form of therapy and with continued bedrest until delivery this blog really helps. I will keep you updated as much as I can concerning the rest of our pregnancy.