It's Perfect.

I got the call on Friday. Actually, I got the message on Friday night. It was already dark, of course. How did I miss the call? My phone never rang. Olivia's headstone is done and it's set. Oh, that sinking feeling. I could not wait to see it, yet I could. I miss her and it hurts. I thought this was supposed to get easier? You know, I think I'm learning to deal with the pain. I think that's all I can do. I look at Audrey and I see Olivia, I see her right there beside her. When I'm holding her, when she's laying on her blanket, when I'm changing a diaper, when I'm feeding her...I see Olivia. When she smiles I wonder if Olivia's smile would have looked like that. I belong to a club that I don't want to belong to, yet it wasn't my choice. I didn't sign-up for this. I want out, yet I can't leave the group.


The phone call with the news of Olivia's headstone was just the start to the night. I was on my way to get some Christmas shopping done, Kevin was keeping the kids so I could have some time. Time to do shopping wasn't really the reason. Life is busy at home and those car rides are my time. Time that I need to heal. Time that I need to understand what to do with all that has happened, there has to be more. I can't lose my little girl and say that's it, that's what happened, that's just how it's supposed to be. There's more...I just need to find it. God, show me. Tell me what I'm supposed to do with this, with this pain, this ache that is deep inside.

If you know me at all, you know that I am a bargain shopper and a coupon clipper. My first stop that night was K-Mart to pick up a prescription for Dawson. I don't usually get my prescriptions filled there, but I had a coupon for a $10.00 gift card if you got a prescription-I'm in. The prescription was for chewable tablets from the dentist, I didn't realize they were hard to come by. I talked to the pharmacist and showed her my coupon...wouldn't you know, they were out. Not only were they out and I didn't get my $10.00 gift card, she proceeded to tell me "I know we're out because we had forty left and a mother of twins came in and we had to split them 20 and 20." God...why? Why? Does this happen to anyone else? What pharmacist actually tells you who got the last amount of the prescription you needed filled?


Aching and dejected, I left Kmart for Kohls...yes, more coupons to be used. Wouldn't you know, I about got ran over by a mother, a double stroller, and identical twin boys. Why? I was warned about this. It was all over the TTTS message boards and the Twinstuff Bereavement site (I hate clicking on that link). The hyper-awareness of twins. It hurts and although I will never in my life need a reminder of Olivia, that is exactly what it does. It keeps her fresh, never fading from my thoughts. I guess instead of hurting, I should consider these incidents gifts.


You can guess where I was Saturday morning, kids in tow. Some day they will understand and we will share Olivia's story. Today was my day, it was rainy and cold...I don't think it could have been more appropriate. I think back to the day of her service. Still regretting that I didn't spend more time with her, there would never have been enough. I want to hold her, sing to her, feed her, see her eyes meet mine, and watch her smile just as much today as I wanted to then. It doesn't get easier.

I want to share a photo of Olivia's headstone...It's perfect.

Love,

Jenn