Not a Day Goes By

It's hard for me to believe that it's been 8 weeks since we've lost one of our little girls. This experience has changed the person I once was. It's almost like the person I used to be is a mystery. I apologize if I see you and don't seem like myself. I'm stuck between the person I used to be and who I am now with a heart that feels irrepairable. My life will never be the same and although I am thankful to have two beautiful boys and a surviving twin girl on the way, I have lost a child. Some people may not view it that way, but she was so very real and so alive. I carried her for 5 months and saw her so many times on ultrasounds. She may not have had much room to move around, but she was moving every time we saw her. She had a strong heartbeat, just as strong as her sisters everytime. I saw her already starting fights with her sister as she received jabs and kicks, she tried hard to defend herself, yet she was quite smaller than her sister. It may sound strange, but I feel so fortunate to still be carrying her. She is still a part of me for a little while.

She was a part of my life from the day I found out we were having twins. You know, I'd give anything to go back to that day. Some may think I'm crazy, but when Dr. Vaccariello left the room the day I found out we were having twins I looked up and thanked God for such a gift. I didn't say "God, I can't do this" I said "thank you". I didn't know the ride I would endure from that point, and although at times I think it would have been easier to have just not been expecting twins, I wouldn't change it even if I could. I would've missed the dance, so to speak.


I was given the opportunity to prepare for two babies. I sat in the nursery and imagined where I would place two cribs. I imagined how Kevin and I would handle feedings. I imagined being in debt to cover a new mini-van, diapers, and formula. At the time we didn't know they were girls and I thought how cool it would be to have 4 Troyer boys on a basketball court at the same time. Imagine that! I thought about them being as close as two siblings could get. Once I knew they were girls I couldn't believe it, I really thought that Troyers didn't produce girls and here we were getting two for the price of one. The love that consumed my heart can't be described.


I'm currently reading Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur. He assures his readers that every baby, whether unborn, stillborn, or youngsters receive "instant heaven." Although this is what I believe, it is so comforting to read scriptures that support my baby girl being in heaven. I often think about loved ones that I've lost holding her, I'm sure they're making a big fuss over my little girl right now. I know that she is a life-long guardian angel of her sister. I also know two little baby boys that are probably really good friends with her already.


It's amazing to me when I think back about my life, especially my life married to Kevin. I think about all the good times, like vacations in the mountains or on the beach. I also think about the good times that were just simple: movies at home on the couch, grilling out, making our first home our own, the weeks that we would get on card kicks and play Rummy everynight.


But I also think of the times that seemed so difficult. Then it occurs to me, the entire time we were living our life together, God knew that we would go through this . He prepared us with all the good times we shared together that helped our love to grow and he was there for the challenges that made us stronger. He knew that we would go through the loss of a little girl we were so excited to receive and he also knew that we would make it through this time. There is something bigger to this life-altering event that I haven't figured out. I pray that God will show me where to go from here.