NICU week 2

Sweet Audrey

Our sweet Audrey had a great second week...notice no oxygen and no bili-light in the picture above. She is just a sweet, precious baby that needs to grow and get stronger. My cousin, Todd Phillips, was talking to his mom about Audrey and said how amazing it will be to watch her grow and develop in the next ten weeks. We get to witness what usually is still happening in the womb. This is so true. I still get updates via email that explains how the baby is growing in utero. It's so interesting to see how Audrey would be developing if she was still in the womb. Below is where Audrey is today at 33 weeks and a comparison of where she would be if she was still in the womb.

Baby at 33 weeks in utero

• weighs close to 4 lbs
• just passed 17" long
• rapidly losing that wrinkled, alien look

Audrey Olivia, 33 weeks gestation

• weighs 2 lbs. 14 oz.
• 15" long
• definitely still has that wrinkled, alien look (we think its sooo cute, though)

What they include about mothers at this time is really different from how I'm feeling at the moment...

Mommy-to-be at 33 weeks (and I quote)

• may find yourself waddling or bumping into counters
• may be feeling some achiness or even numbness
• many women feel sexy at this stage

Me, post pregnancy

• bumping into things, yet not because of a big belly, but due to exhaustion
• no numbness, feeling every ache and pain.
• feeling sexy...come on, we all know the answer to this one

On a more serious note...God is Good. I am able to smile, when I wondered if I would be capable. He has given me strength that I didn't believe was possible to possess, let alone after delivering our babies. Not only has he provided strength, he has provided a miracle. As I hold Audrey each day I realize how blessed we are to have her. She has gone through so much for someone so, so tiny. I know she has a long ways to go, yet every step she makes towards coming home causes reason to celebrate. I will never again take for granted a healthy pregnancy free of complications, seeing a baby breathe without oxygen, the seemingly simple task of nursing or drinking her first bottle. The list could go on and on. There is so much we have to be thankful for.

Thank you does not seem like enough for all the generous help friends and family have provided over the past four months. Our friends at Grace Brethren Church in Wooster have truly been a gift from God the past couple of weeks. The meals that have been brought to our family have been delicious. I appreciate these meals more than you know. It is so wonderful to be able to stay with Audrey at the hospital and know that my family will still have a warm, delicious meal. I am overwhelmed by the generosity of people that do not even know us, yet have shown so much compassion. Along with the meals it has been nice to catch up with old friends and meet new members of our church family. As for family, I cannot say enough about all the help with our boys. Lane and Dawson are going to think life is boring when Audrey comes home and they are summoned to the our house instead of being spoiled by their Aunts. It is such a safe and secure feeling knowing that my boys are not only well cared for while we're with Audrey, but that they are having such a good time as well. Hugs to each of you.

Audrey Olivia's First Week

When they placed you in my arms, you slipped into my heart.-- Author Unknown

What a miracle our sweet Audrey is! The meaning of her name, strength, is proving to be true.

As if all the complications with TTTS has not been enough she now will spend her first 8-10 weeks of life in Aultman's NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). Her strength continues to amaze us daily. The nurses in the NICU at Aultman are wonderful and provide such encouragement as they update us on Audrey.

She has come a long way in just 9 days, continuously improving. She is completely off oxygen and has said good-bye to tanning under the bili-light after just 3 days. She is enjoying her feedings and is currently up to 24 cc's, which is her max for her weight...a whopping 2 lbs. 12 oz. She's almost back up to her birthweight, 2 lbs. 14 1/2 oz.

Audrey is perfect in every way, just quite small. As far as age goes, she will continue to be referred to in gestation weeks. We are currently at the 32 week mark. She is being fed through a feeding tube and will remain that way until 36 weeks. It's hard to believe it will be four more weeks until I can even attempt to feed her. For now, I am content to spend my days holding her and realize this precious gift God has given us. She truly is a miracle.

I look forward to each daily visit and watching her as she grows, even if it is only in grams at this point. I'm sure someday in the future I'll look back and be amazed at how small she once was.

I'm starting to feel like Audrey's Mommy as I got to change her diaper Thursday. Talk about a challenge. I have never changed a diaper of a preemie, let alone a preemie in an isolette. It might possibly be the most awkward task for a Mommy. For starters, you have to change from the side position and through two holes that are about 8" in diameter. All while trying to be as gentle as possible, because your sure that she's so tiny she just may break if you do anything wrong. The nurses and I laughed together as I realized that my first change was not up to par. Her diaper was on, but that's about it. I'll get it...it's just going to take some getting used to. It felt great to be able to do that, even if I'm not really good at it yet.

Along with the diaper change, came another milestone...the bath I got to give her on Saturday evening. How fun! I couldn't believe how much she enjoyed it...she didn't even cry. I figured she would be wailing the entire time, but she must like being out of her isolette and in her Mommy's arms.

I spent today singing to her as I kangarooed her for three hours. No, I don't wear a womb shaped pouch...Kangaroo Care is simply holding the baby chest to chest. It is absolutely wonderful and helps to strengthen the bond between mother and child. The numbers on her monitor (heartrate, blood oxygen, and respiratory rate) all even out when I'm holding her. The monitor is Kevin's favorite part of her room. Seriously, Kevin rarely takes his eyes off those monitors everytime we are there to visit. The continuous beeping, binging, and other alarms don't really allow you to relax while in the NICU.

While Kangarooing, I like to tell her stories about her life and how lucky we are to have her. I tell her all about her brothers and how she needs to start growing or she's not going to survive at this house. The nurses comment on how she's such a feisty little lady and although I have no idea where she gets that I'm thankful for every ounce of fiestiness she has in her--it will only help her to get through her NICU stay.

I have to say thank you again to each of you for your prayers. God has provided the strength we have needed to get through this difficult, yet joyous time. Your cards, gifts, meals, babysitting and rides to the hospital are appreciated so very much. I'll continue to update our blog as much as possible although updates may be slow. We are extremely busy with visits to Audrey at the hospital and trying to keep life as normal as possible for our boys. As I sign off for tonight, know that each of you will be in my prayers and how thankful I am to have such a supportive group of family and friends.

Bring the Rain

"Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to

praise You Jesus, bring the rain"

~Mercy Me "Bring the Rain"

How do you make a lifetime of memories in 8 short months? What I have realized is there is never enough time: what I wouldn't do right now to hold Olivia again, kiss her sweet forehead, sing to her, tell her a story.

We layed Olivia to rest on Saturday, July 19 at a private service with our parents and siblings. The service was beautiful, just as I imagine my sweet Olivia is right now. Pastor David Lawson is amazing and focused Olivia's service on hope. The hope we know we have because of Jesus and what he has provided for us. He explained that Olivia's life had purpose. God knew her before we did, he had a plan for her and he was excited about Olivia and the work she would do in our lives. Although Olivia was only with us for a brief time she has impacted my life in a way that I'm not sure I can even put into words. She has strengthened our marriage, provided a renewed strength in my faith and completely changed the person I once was.

This pregnancy has been one of abundant joy and deep sorrow, such a strange mix of feelings, I'm not really sure they were ever meant to happen at the same time. As much as I wonder "Why?," I can say without a doubt that I am a better person for having known her and getting to experience her life if even for such a short amount of time. I know that there will come a day when I will have time to spend with Olivia...I will sing to her and tell her all the stories that I always wanted to and never had the chance. One more lesson learned...I look forward to that day like I never have before.

Olivia's life will continue to bring glory...Jesus, Bring the Rain.

Audrey and her Mommy

Kevin sent me this picture today of Jennifer holding Audrey! YES...holding Audrey.

The doctors feel that Audrey is doing well enough, that she can spend some time being comforted by her mommy. I think Jennifer's smile says it all.

Audrey has already had many visitors. Today, her Nina and Pawpaw Jacobs saw her for the first time. They can't get over how much hair she has and how delicate and skinny her little fingers are. (You can tell that they've only had grandsons up until this point!)

Jennifer also told me that they have decided on middle names:

Audrey Olivia Troyer and Olivia Faith Troyer

Jennifer will be discharged from the hospital today and will go home to see Dawson and Lane tonight. However, she will still make likely two trips a day to Aultman to visit with Audrey. The next eight weeks are going to be tough on the family, so please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Audrey's First Day

Baby Audrey's Footprints

Aunt Keka here again...

Baby Audrey has had an amazing first day of her life.

I was wrong in my first post about her birth. Audrey is not on oxygen. In fact, the little girl has mostly been breathing on her own the past 24 hours! Last night, before Jennifer went to bed, the nurses did put Audrey on a "CPAP" (continous positive airway pressure). The CPAP is not to help Audrey breathe, but to help expand her lungs as they weren't expanding enough on their own.

The nurses told Jenn and Kevin that if Audrey was doing ok throughout the night, they may be able to remove the CPAP on Sunday.

Again, the little fighter proved her strength.

By 8:30 on Sunday, the CPAP had already been removed, much earlier than the nurses expected.

When Jennifer got to Audrey's room, she found her little one sunbathing. Well, not really, but she was laying under a bili light, which helps heal babies who are slightly jaundiced, as Audrey is.

She also was given a little bit of oxygen today through a nasal cannula, but she is not dependent on it.

Little Audrey cries a lot, which breaks Jennifer's heart, but Kevin and the nurses remind her that crying wil help strengthen her lungs. While Jennifer wants to comfort her daughter, she cannot yet hold her, and does not touch her for fear of hindering her progress.

Today continued to be a big day for the Troyer family. Big brothers Dawson and Lane traveled to the hospital to visit their Mommy. While Lane spent most of his time eating (go figure) in the room with Aunt Tara and Uncle Lee, Dawson went with his Mommy and Daddy to meet his baby sister.

The sheer size of Audrey caught Dawson off guard. She was also crying which scared him a bit. He didn't stay long, but tells everyone he talks to about his "Mom's new baby". He also can say Audrey quite well, which makes everyone smile. Back in the room, he introduced himself to a nurse and explained that he "is 4. Baby Lane is 1. And baby Audrey doesn't have a number yet!" :)

Jenn wants everyone to know how much hair Audrey has! Jet black hair! And she says that she knows that a 2 lb. 14 oz. baby is going to be petite, but that Audrey has the most delicate features. A tiny nose and long skinny fingers. She is pure girl.

Jennifer also talks with so much pride about Kevin. Kevin has stepped up to the plate, playing single father to both Dawson and Lane at home. He drives back and forth to the hospital as much as possible, caring for his wife and his little girl. All of this while also attaining his masters online.

Jennifer can't wait to get home to give him a break and some time to do something fun. (Kevin better take advantage of that! I wouldn't push for the trip to Vegas though! ;)

The preemiest of preemie clothes couldn't begin to fit Audrey at this point. She is still so small. The doctors expect her to be in nicu for approximately eight more weeks, which means many, many, many trips to Aultman for Jennifer and Kevin. Jennifer expects to be released from the hospital tomorrow, when she and Kevin will begin planning for Olivia's services. She will be sure to post all information, plus her feelings for their little angel when she gets out of the hospital.

Audrey has become the focus of the entire family already. If love could heal all wounds, and by all accounts it does, this little girl will be out of the hospital as quickly as she was delivered. (Did I mention that Jenn was in hard labor for less than an hour?!) Audrey is the subject of every phone call, every text message and nearly every e-mail. Papa and Nina are rushing home now to see their first granddaughter!

Audrey will continue to grow both phsyically and spiritually and emotionally as the days continue. It will be an amazing and bittersweet day when we are able to celebrate her finally "getting a number"!

They're Here!

Quite unexpectedly...baby Audrey made her introduction to the world today, while Baby Olivia was able to spend a little time with her Mommy and Daddy.

Now that the news is out there...let me back up a bit.

On Tuesday evening, Jennifer began experiencing minor contractions. While diagnosed as Braxton Hicks, the contractions continued. As the night progressed, Jennifer and Kevin became very concerned when she also began bleeding.

Nina came to the house to watch Dawson and Lane while Jennifer and Kevin rushed to Aultman Hospital. Once there, Jennifer was given medication to both spur the development on baby Audrey's lungs and also slow Jennifer's contractions. Braxton Hicks they were not...she had dilated 3 centimeters. The bleeding was coming from little Olivia's placenta and was not a threat to Audrey at all.

Jennifer, however, was not allowed to leave the hospital until all bleeding had stopped. That, unfortunatley, never happened. She spent three long days in the hospital, but she never had the opportunity to be lonely. Aunt Tara and Uncle Lee visited often, as did Kevin, with Dawson and Lane who missed their Mommy very much. In fact, Dawson called her once to tell her that she needed to come home that day, not any later.

Nina and Papa visted too, as did Lindsey and Lola and Paige. On Wednesday evening, great-grandpa "Pop" Smith also visted with Lisa to make sure that Jennifer's spirits were up. Aunt Sandy and Uncle Gaylord also came to visit.

Back in Holmesville, Nina, the constant planner, pounced at the opportunity to do work. In one day, the Troyer's spare room was transferred to a nursery. All of baby Audrey's clothes were washed and prepared. Dawson couldn't understand any of this, however, because Aunt Keka (me) was supposed to come home and sleep in that bed next weekend. When Nina offered his bed for me, he quickly said "No. She's too big!!" So I guess I lost my place to sleep! :)

On Friday morning, the Jacobs and Smith families disappeared. As most of you know, when a big race comes happens, Holmesville becomes a ghost town. So, Jennifer said good-bye to Mom and Dad, the Haudenshilds, the Mays and the Hall's as they all departed for Eldora.

On Friday, Jennifer and I talked often. She was worried that the bleeding hadn't stopped. The doctors assured her that Audrey was fine. But she was also concerned in getting home to her little boys and giving Kevin some relief. She got updates from Eldora (Dad finished 10th) and spent the night watching television as Dawson and Lane went for a night out with Uncle Kim and Aunt Amber.

The next morning, while still asleep in Chicago, I woke up to my cell phone ringing. Jennifer, very calmly, explained to me that her contractions had returned. In fact, they had been going on since 5:45 am. She had been alone the whole time, but had called Kevin to come to the hospital. The phone call was almost humorous. It was like someone calling you to tell you you had an overdue library book. Very docile, calm and quiet.

Within two hours, the babies were here! Jennifer did have an epidural this time. (Both Dawson and Lane were born naturally.) Audrey was born first. And, amazingly, she let out a cry. Her lungs had, apparently, developed. Jennifer was able to hold her shortly before the nurses took her to the NIC Unit.

Baby Olivia was born next. The nurses wrapped her up and gave Jennifer and Kevin some time with their angel. Jennifer had been both afraid of and anticipating her arrival. Fearing sadness, but craving the need to comfort her little one that had died way too soon.

When she gained some of her strength, and I'm telling you...it was quick. She called me 30 minutes after labor and you would have thought she was laying by the pool. Very happy. Her spirits are up. And she was waiting on a wheelchair to take her to Audrey. The happiness in her voice was back...gone for too long from the heartbreak that this pregnancy has bestowed on her.

Baby Audrey is amazing. Quite appropriate since Audrey means "strength". At only 2 lbs. 14 oz., and 13 inches long, she has only needed nasal oxygen. We have received several pictures of this little beauty. I wish I could post them on here, but they are all on my cell phone. There is one of her gripping Jenn's finger, and I'm telling you her whole hand is the size of Jenn's fingernail. Aunt Tara and Aunt Lisa report that she has long, skinny legs and Jennifer's little ski-slope nose. :) She is responding to sound and light well. The doctors have nothing but positive comments on her health. She truly is a fighter.

Baby Olivia, meaning "peace" gave great peace to her mother and father today. I don't want to say too much, because the details are up to Jennifer and Kevin to share. But, I believe the opportunity to meet their baby, comfort her and say good-bye was good for them.

This day has brought them both sorrow and joy, but both Mommy and Daddy are doing well. They wanted you all to know how grateful they are for your concern and prayers throughout this tough, seemingly long, but actually very short pregnancy.

Pictures will be posted soon. Please continue to keep Audrey in your prayers as she is so tiny in this big world.

--Aunt Keka (I love my boys...but YAY!!! I finally have a niece!)

Not a Day Goes By

It's hard for me to believe that it's been 8 weeks since we've lost one of our little girls. This experience has changed the person I once was. It's almost like the person I used to be is a mystery. I apologize if I see you and don't seem like myself. I'm stuck between the person I used to be and who I am now with a heart that feels irrepairable. My life will never be the same and although I am thankful to have two beautiful boys and a surviving twin girl on the way, I have lost a child. Some people may not view it that way, but she was so very real and so alive. I carried her for 5 months and saw her so many times on ultrasounds. She may not have had much room to move around, but she was moving every time we saw her. She had a strong heartbeat, just as strong as her sisters everytime. I saw her already starting fights with her sister as she received jabs and kicks, she tried hard to defend herself, yet she was quite smaller than her sister. It may sound strange, but I feel so fortunate to still be carrying her. She is still a part of me for a little while.

She was a part of my life from the day I found out we were having twins. You know, I'd give anything to go back to that day. Some may think I'm crazy, but when Dr. Vaccariello left the room the day I found out we were having twins I looked up and thanked God for such a gift. I didn't say "God, I can't do this" I said "thank you". I didn't know the ride I would endure from that point, and although at times I think it would have been easier to have just not been expecting twins, I wouldn't change it even if I could. I would've missed the dance, so to speak.


I was given the opportunity to prepare for two babies. I sat in the nursery and imagined where I would place two cribs. I imagined how Kevin and I would handle feedings. I imagined being in debt to cover a new mini-van, diapers, and formula. At the time we didn't know they were girls and I thought how cool it would be to have 4 Troyer boys on a basketball court at the same time. Imagine that! I thought about them being as close as two siblings could get. Once I knew they were girls I couldn't believe it, I really thought that Troyers didn't produce girls and here we were getting two for the price of one. The love that consumed my heart can't be described.


I'm currently reading Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur. He assures his readers that every baby, whether unborn, stillborn, or youngsters receive "instant heaven." Although this is what I believe, it is so comforting to read scriptures that support my baby girl being in heaven. I often think about loved ones that I've lost holding her, I'm sure they're making a big fuss over my little girl right now. I know that she is a life-long guardian angel of her sister. I also know two little baby boys that are probably really good friends with her already.


It's amazing to me when I think back about my life, especially my life married to Kevin. I think about all the good times, like vacations in the mountains or on the beach. I also think about the good times that were just simple: movies at home on the couch, grilling out, making our first home our own, the weeks that we would get on card kicks and play Rummy everynight.


But I also think of the times that seemed so difficult. Then it occurs to me, the entire time we were living our life together, God knew that we would go through this . He prepared us with all the good times we shared together that helped our love to grow and he was there for the challenges that made us stronger. He knew that we would go through the loss of a little girl we were so excited to receive and he also knew that we would make it through this time. There is something bigger to this life-altering event that I haven't figured out. I pray that God will show me where to go from here.