One year ago today one of my precious babies became an angel. Although it has been a year, the memories leading up to this day one year ago are so vivid. The smells, the songs on the radio, the voices of doctors and nurses, the endless discussions with Kevin, and yet the strongest of all is the Hope. I can remember the feeling in my heart, Hope consumed me. Through this Hope came Faith. Faith that God would provide. I put all my trust in him, all my hope that if it were His will He would help my babies to survive. Looking back, I wonder- Did I pray wrong? Didn't I listen well enough? Although in my heart, I know God makes no mistakes. He had a different plan for Olivia than I had. The outcome I ran over and over again in my mind didn't come to pass. I know that Olivia is safe and I know she is in God's arms until I can again hold her in my own. I also know that He created Olivia, just as he created each and every one of us-for a purpose.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are
wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was
made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in
your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 13-16
Even though I know and firmly believe all I have said, none of this makes it easy. It doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make it ok that she's not here. I miss her everyday and will forever wonder what it would be like for her to grow up with Audrey.
One year ago today my precious baby became an angel. Olivia has taught me many things about life in the short amount of time I was able to spend with her. She made my marriage stronger, helped my faith to grow immensely, taught me how fragile life is, and how we don't always have a lot of time but we make the most of what we got. We will forever have a part of Olivia with us. We can look at Audrey and know without a doubt what she would have looked like. She has taught me what it means to give, she was a giver from the start. She gave a lot of herself to Audrey and ultimately gave all she had so that Audrey could thrive. Olivia had a purpose and she will continue to affect my life for years to come. I don't know that anyone will ever comprehend how much I wish I could have saved Olivia. The fact is, she saved me.
Balloons for Olivia
4 comments:
Praying for you now and will continue to pray.
i stopped in and saw olivia's headstone, it was beautiful. Wish you the best!
Oh, how familiar your words are to my own heart. How desperately I wanted to save my Faith and Grace...and how they and my sweet Thomas have been used to save me, in a sense. God used their lives to draw me closer to Him, to my husband, to teach me what really matters in life, to have an eternal perspective, to reach out beyond my own world to others who are hurting. Their lives, just like sweet Olivia were precious to God and had great purpose. He doeth all things well...all things, dear one.
Praying still...May you feel His comfort surrounding you and His grace carrying you...
You express it very well how these little angels do so much in such a short time. God bless.
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